I.B.P - India Bana Pardes

I went to see Shanghai today. I liked the movie, I guess. This kind of movie makes me wonder or atleast makes me think. With all the reviews read already, I expected I would be somewhat disturbed. But the minute I walked out of the theatre, I started checking my messages, had yogurt, had a good talk with friends, discussed other movies and things like that. I started driving back home. The minute I was alone, I was not doing the usual talking, with myself. Ok, I have a habit to talk to myself. A lot. I passed through this lane near my house, that lane is kind of slum and it always stinks. It is of “rabari” crowd (shepherds, if I can call them), so there are always cows on the street but not more than their dump. I saw a two police jeep over there with few policemen trying to put a guy in their jeep. The lane was crowded ofcourse and when I was about to pass them through, I saw a gang of women shouting and walking towards the policemen. And it hit me! It was exactly like what I saw in the movie. Those shady lights, that stinky lane, that dull atmosphere, that chaos, the white police jeep and armed policemen, all of that, right in front of my eyes. And I was shit scared. I drove off as fast as possible, though I knew I am safe, I am in my own city, and I would want to believe that it is safe. I thought what people must go through when they are stuck in a mob or in a riot. I have seen few plays, have read few stories, have even seen news stories of THE Riots, but I have never been in one. Through this movie and this little incident I can now somewhat feel what it would be like. (Though, that would be just exaggerating, because I can never actually feel that and I don’t even know what police was doing there. They could be simply arresting a thief.) But I know, things that happened in that movie, happens in real life, bigger and worse.

Till today, I dint have any political views, I still don’t have one. May be I am over reacting by even writing about it as the first thing reaching home. May be I am just weirdly comparing it with the current government. I am not quite sure. But yeah, there is this question within me, that who am I? I mean I have always felt proud of my land, city and the government. Government, because of all the progress that I see around, because under that governing body my city became no. 1 city in the country to live in. I just used to see all the development (“tarraki”). May be a lot has been sacrificed for this “tarraki”. And I easily used to “live” with it. What sort of person I am? I was never an activist or a die hard India fan, but I never have had any political views! That’s scarier I guess. I don’t have views on people/party/body who is ruling me, my city, and my country! WOW! Feels disgusting. And worse is this feeling that there are many, many more people like me. Whom to blame? School always made social studies and politics so boring. School made everything boring. When did I have REAL education? Half of the things, or much more than that, I am realizing and learning at the age of 26 for crying out loud! According to the Vedas, this 25 was the age when we should have learned everything, and that was written some 1000s of years back. So, Pragati kahan, aur kiski?

I don’t have any point as such for writing this. I might even forget tomorrow and carry on with my routine. I mean it doesn’t have any impact in my life. My life is complicated in my own small selfish world. But, I would atleast like to have a VIEW! It might take forever for me to understand politics or politician, it is possible that I might even get biased views, but the point is I am atleast going to try. I don’t know if I can make a difference, but I at least if I have an opinion I might do something about it…

PS: This film, I have to see again. Shanghai, I want to remember you. I want to move out of a scene right there and then, and not get stuck. This film, I have to see again.

Finally, all the dreams are coming back!

I don't remember a single day of my life, where i have not had a dream. A dream could as simple as, winning an oscar or as complicated as having a cute little baby and taking care of it for the rest of my life (or wait, is it other way around?) But, I have always had a dream. I used to talk to myself for hours and sort out every single thought that bothered me. Basically, I had a lot of "me" time and I used to enjoy it. Now, when I think of it, it used to keep me calm and help me do the right thing.

Life caught up with the pace it had to once i was exposed to a fast/competitive/career oriented world and i lost that touch with me. I stopped dreaming. I started living into the moment. which is fine, but I had no idea where the moment is leading to and I was OKAY with it! I stopped bothering. I can call it a phase or I can take the blame, the fact remains I changed. All of that ended with BIGGER and PAINFUL confusions. Confusions whose solution I have yet not found. Confusions which entered from which door and when, I have no idea about. Well, who was to blame! I justified everything with only one answer to myself - Well, when, if not now?

Now, I think, that phase is getting over. Day by day, I am getting my beliefs back, I am taking charge of the responsibilities I had given up. And that is happening because I am no more dependent on anyone for anything. Huh. Interesting! One can be as content as one wishes to when one is independent. One is focused. Well, I am trying to get that focus back. I am aiming higher for a better tomorrow. And I am doing all that for "ME". Mistakes, I am ok with, but repetition I won't be!

A mixed sort of a feeling goes through while typing this out. Not sure whether I am happy or upset!

In your late 20s eh? That must be going pretty simple and easy!

Whom am I kidding? I say screw you, you the people, the people who told me teenagers are rebels, teenagers are passing through a phase, phase of exploring their life, and once they reach their 20s, it will be all clear and sorted out!

This is like a fairy tale your mum used to tell you as a kid, good over bad, prince charming and a happily ever after. Ask anyone in their late 20s and they would be as, it not more, crazy, confused and irritated as a teenager. Some of them admit it, some of them don't. Some of them act upon it, some of them just sweep under the carpet. Some of them feel okay about it, some of them are cursing themselves for all these confusions. Well, whatever the case is, its surely not easy and clear for anyone!

I am, very clearly, saying the late 20s here, because the early 20s according to me, is the best time of your life. You have successfully graduated and Pappus/Pappis are now getting a bit serious towards life (well, atleast you pretend to be, call it peer pressure or parent's pressure). And you are about to enter into the best years of your life, not knowing that these are actually the best years of your life. Two years of your post graduation would surprise and sweep you away magically. Yeah sure, there would be ups and downs. It is like a roller coaster ride, in an amusement park. Roller coaster ride is adventurous, fun, full of ups and downs, shocks and surprises, but you have absolutely no idea that this is the ONLY fun ride in that amusement park. After the roller coaster, every ride is going to feel dull and boring!

So, coming back to the early 20s, you are all charged up and geared up to see what lies ahead of us. You are so bloody excited to get your first job, first pay, first desk, first boss (yup, like a fool, i was excited. Little did i know then.), first role, responsibility vagera vagera. And to some of us, the first year passes by in just getting used to of it. Every celebration at the office is the first time. You are that flunky in the office, who is going all crazy with the excitement. You even end up buying decent (expensive) shorts to wear on a Hawaiian Day, when you have (streetside) flowery shorts already! But you do, all of that, with your heart and soul, because it is your first time. Kind of the first time you have sex. Guys i think, try really hard not to "come" and girls are dying to "come" as soon as possible, which, in both the cases, eventually, change. Not that guys try to come early and girls late, it is not intentional, it just happens!

So, cutting it a bit short. Your 25th birthday, to dramtize, is THE birthday for you to wake up with a BIG OMFG kind of a feeling. You have now experienced almost everything for the first time and have absolutely no clue about how is the second time going to be! Again, comparing it with sex, I think "coming" first time is not at all a deal. Out of mere excitement you can come. But the second time is a tough one. It is kind of a decider, a REAL one. If it is like the same as the first time, get married and live happily ever after. And if it is not, "you are in BIG trouble mister". The point, that i just realised with all the sex examples, is personal relationship! I mean i only talked about professional so far. But i think, the sex part took care of it. I mean early 20s you are so crazy and head over heels in love with your love that, all you want to do is get married and live on an island somewhere. I can bet my mobile phone on it, that every couple in their first year of courtship would have decided to elope.

He: Lets get married tomorrow.
She: Shut up!
He: I am not kidding
She: Really?
He: I swear. I am coming to pick you up in the morning. We go to the mandir and get married
She: But, i dont have anything to wear. I can take my mom's saree. I like it a lot. The red one. Ok! Fine. Lets run away. What time?
He: 7 am
She: Okay then. Lets sleep. (Hangs Up. Takes the mobile phone, messages - you were kidding right?)
He replies - Thats upto you...

And the conversation goes on. The point that I am too desperately trying to make is, the goody goody, melodrama, bolly-hollywoodish part is over. And your late 20s is the time, when you start realising it. BIG TIME. The career that you were so sure of, now makes you question, time and again. You might be sure of what you want to do in future from day 1 or decided the last day of the CAT application deadline, in both the cases, at one point of time, you were sure of it and happily moved ahead in that direction. Now, the 25th birthday, it doesnt look as pretty or as sure as it was. And you could not just care about it anymore.Yes, it can be as sudden as that for someone, or as sudden as the Curious Case of Benjamin Buttock, but it will hit you like a thunder. And that Doomsday will make some years of your life pretty miserably, to be lying - a hell lot miserable!

The love of your life, will not be even lust anymore. You will find all possible ways to avoid interaction. All those things that you used to do for him/her will now have to be repaid, in cash and kind. You will meet new people, new and far more interesting you may find. These people will be sweet and kind, passionate and crazy. They will know something you never knew or something you always knew but were too shy to accept. And chances are you will fall in love with them. All the movies that you would have seen, will flash in front of you eyes. (Geet being betrayed by Anshuman and then meetin mr. perfect Aditya Kashyap, who was also dumped by a girl of his dreams before meeting the crazy Geet OR Dev meeting Paro) The case is, this is second time, you know it better, you know all the tricks and you try applying them here and guess what, it will feel good, only till a certain point of time. This time, things will be quicker and before you know it, you will be out of it. Or just to sound a bit positive, you will end up meetin mr. perfect (0.0001% also counts). You might not have experienced it yet, if you havent reached your 27th birthday.

Your career, goes for a toss, atleast in your mind. You are due for the promotion, and high chances are, that you might not get it, satisfying one! You want to shift but too comfortable in your comfort zone created last year. You might even end up doubting the true value of your profession. And look out for something new. And if you by any chance happen to stick through, you will be called "that loser" by all your colleagues.

You don't really understand your family, or you just don't want to. You hate the fact that you are being kind to them. I mean, not that you wish any harm, but your taking care of their emotions will be upsetting. Strange eh? As much as you wont like doing it, you will end up doing it.

For the singles, whom I very conveniently forgot, late 20s are more depressing than ever. Half of their friends would be married or atleast have a girlfriend/boyfriend. They would be the odd one out in the group hang outs. So desperate to get laid or atleast tell their friends about their sex stories, that they would end up narrating porn stories as their own. And sadly, by now, porn would have also stopped turning them on.

You would be owing someone a lot of money. More than you imagined you could ever in life, expenses of whom would be too embarrassing to as your parents to lend. It could be your best friend, your colleague, your boyfriend/girlfriend or simply a bank. Good news is, some of us would be managing just well enough with their inflows and outlflows, that they would not ask the money back, shrewdly!

Oh, jealousy and envy would be at their highest peak! For both, male and female hormones. Seeing your friends holiday pics, will make you post your one day picnic with the granny, at the outskirts pic, from mobile. Seeing your friends promotion on his profile will make you update your CV before commenting on his "life event". And all these would be puked over through your Facebook likes!

But, i feel at the end of it, it will leave you with a stronger YOU (atleast i hope it does). Hopefully, this would be the bottom you have just hit and the journey from here will be up in the air. Afterall, it is just a phase. A phase which will leave you with stories. A phase that will make you understand yourself better. A phase that will bring TRUE respect for yourself (I am sure, you would have justified all your mistakes, and if not, please do). A phase that will make relationships stronger and career prosper. A phase that will make you take the rest of your life smoothly or atleast make you strong enough to face the sucky life ahead. A phase that will make you responsible enough, to undertake those responsibilities that lie ahead.

PS: What lies within us in the late 20s is the CONFUSION, each and every sort that there could be. Some could be held back by inertia, some may act upon it and find new things, some may act-find-reject-comeback to the original and some losers might not even realise. I pity those, who are not passing through this (pity can be sometime confused with envy/jealousy), for they are missing out some hell lot of confusions in life. Confusions that could have defined their future better!

WARNING: This post is on the basis of my little observation, what i have seen and what i have experienced. If you can't relate, you are free to consider it as a piece of fiction, a sit-com episode or just move your ass out of my blog!!!

I am a bad Writer!

I am not happy with what i wrote last time. It was very confusing, i know! But, that is not going to stop me. I will continue to write till i am not completely satisfied with my writing skills. To start with, I am going to frame simpler sentences and put punctuation at the right place. Well, its not actually my fault. I wasn't taught properly in school. I was asked to mug up the places where to put the punctuation. I still remember my teacher telling me, if you see a "but" somewhere (not to be confused with a butt), put a punctuation without wasting your time, vagera vagera. So technically, i was never taught.

I thought of opening those grammar books and start from scratch, but was too bored to do that. Instead, what i can do is start reading a lot and while reading, look for the marks, sentence structure, tone, vagera vagera and solve the mystery on my own. Also, i will start writing frequently, for a better command over the language. Right now, what I am doing is, i am speaking out loud what i am typing and wherever i pause, I am putting a coma... hehe... Sounds funny, but i have my own way of dealing with my issues, whose success ratio, my friend, is still under calculation. Nevertheless, i am trying.

I feel i write stuff just to sound cool, is it? I mean i sound cool when i talk, but that is natural. I am COOL. By sounding cool when writing, i meant a very "wanna be" cool. Could that be because i read a lot of wanna be stuff? Or could that be because i have not found my writing voice, yet? i don't really know what a writing voice is, but i know that each and every writer has a certain voice. That voice makes them stand apart from others. I was once told by a friend that i have a voice, that is, if you know me well, you can make out my write up. He told me i have a voice, and he could hear me talking while reading. The only problem is, I cant find it. I have never written much in my life. My writing till last year had comprised of answer sheets, text messages, chat, and emails! The lingo used, oops, the language used there is grammatically suicidal anyways! So, i have never, actually, written. And my reading also, kind of, sucks! I dint even have the patience to read a long mail. But, since few years i have tried cultivating a reading habit. I have not reached much far, as i still read chick flick kind of novels, but i make a point to read. Coming back to the voice, my first step towards a better writing skill cultivation endeavor is to find that voice!

Now, i like the fact that i write exactly what i feel or what i want to say, without a proper structure. I want to keep the "i write exactly what i feel" part to be intact and concentrate on structure, in a way that the tone does not change. Also, i will read a sentence immediately after writing it and change it right there, as i know it will take some time and some more patience for me to read up something i have just finished writing! So, i can check it right there, to avoid future issues out of laziness. So, next time you read something,  BEWARE! Till now you were reading a confusing write up, now, you can come across a completely full of mistakes wala write up! But, i will try to make some point and will try my best to make it more and more entertaining. Entertainment not always mean funny ha! If you have seen "satyamevjayate's" promo, you have heard it form aamir, what entertainment is!

Kya aap mera iss mushkil safar mein saath doge?