woh kya hai na.. thodi bahut shayari hum bhi kar lete hai...

waise to ji hum poem shoem zyada samjhate nahi.. likhna to durr ki baat hai.. but it was a conversation i was having with myself right now and i thought of giving it a bit of a poetry touch.. so here it goes..

discalimer - its in hindi... i think its better that ways.. for you guys as well as me...

accha laga...

aaj thodi der hi sahi tujhse baat karke accha laga
juthh muthh hi sahi teri batoon me muh bigaadna accha laga

tune baat kyu chhedi woh to pata nahi
par aaj tera yuh, pehle jaise, chhedna accha laga

gussa to aahi gaya tha teri baatein sun ke
do shabd tujhe bhi khene ka mann kiya
par aaj apne aap ko yuh samjhana bhi accha laga

tu to chala gaya, mein yaha sochti reh gayi
tere piche to meine yeh kavita bhi likh li
aaj jo mehsus kiya usse likh paana accha laga...

thank you hai ji.. full stop.. bye bye..

Not so Comforting RIGHT v/s Comforting Wrong!!!

Life and philosophy goes hand in hand. And as much as I cant bear the philosophy about life and the philosophers I fail to understand THE POINT!!!

I mean all I have heard is “Life throws situations at you and you have to learn to deal with them!” but what if you have taken a decision which life will have to adjust with. I mean I take decisions based on what I feel is RIGHT and what I feel is WRONG the effects of which I ll come to later on. But the point here is since few months I have been taking a hell lot of decisions. Decisions which I have FELT (at that moment and that is why FELT and not FEEL) RIGHT at that moment. And have acted happily upon it and things are quite falling into the place I WANTED. Freaked out is what I tell myself to calm my anxieties. Because am I sure what am I doing with my life? I mean I m sure why I took A particular decision and all but here the risk is very high. I mean its me who has changed life as per what I think it should be. I mean if LIFE would be changing my life for me and things don’t work out in future I can easily blame it on LIFE and say what-the-hell-did-you-do-to-my-life-mr LIFE???!!! I dint do it. My life forced me to do it. But here I am forcing my life to b as per what I want.

I am not really sure if I am complaining or giving myself a benefit of doubt. I mean how may people do I know has even got a chance to choose a life paths? Especially for girls. I mean I m not being gender biased or anything. But from what I have seen we girls usually are happy in out partners happiness and all we wish for is to get married and start a life. O shoot!!! This is a topic in itself and I think I ll get back to myself on this sometime later and right now focus on RIGHT. So I was saying, am I giving myself a benefit of doubt? You know in case I go wrong I can say I was never sure. But the point is what are the reasons based on which I m taking this-so-called decision and changing my life!

I think my analytical brain is telling my silly arguMENTAL brain that there are two things to put into consideration:

1.       Knowing what is RIGHT and what is WRONG

2.       Capacity to stand by the RIGHT

See, certain things you know, no matter how much you try, you can’t stand by on the RIGHT side. Like when it comes to standing in a que and to be honest i don’t care if people came before me and are quietly standing in a que. I have arrived late already and cant the on timers waste first few mins of my movie. So I jus give a warm smile and innocently tell them my condition and they happily allow me to take my tickets before theirs. Well 9 out of 10 guys before them and one selfish god-for-saken guy after him. Like missing two mins of his movie is going to make a hell lot of difference in his life. Huh. Like hes some kind of future WOODY ELLEN and the first two mins of his bloody movie is going to inspire deeply! But I FORGIVE him and his “selfishness”!!! Now here, I know the RIGHT thing is to wait in the que so, very CONVENIENTLY I take their permission and mind you I don’t lie. I would be genuinely late. But I find out a way to do the WRONG rightfully. Also, like when there is an argument between mom and dad and I get stuck for my opinion. No matter how wrong my mom is I always defend her. And to be fair I bring a past example where my dad was wrong (which is in majority of the cases) so that kind of nullifies my WRONG rightfully.

So these little examples say something about the way I think. How conveniently I explain myself that its ok if you are doing wrong but see you are doing it rightfully. And then I ask myself to shut-the-hell-up. Like there is someone keeping a record of my wrongs and rights. But I feel the need to justify the WRONGS rightfully. And that is, trust me, really really easy!

What is difficult is standing by the RIGHT. I am not saying because of my PRINCIPLES or something. Frankly, I don’t put myself into a category of someone with the PRINCIPLES. But you know it. May be  because of basic education and sanskars that have been given/taught to you and so you can very well understand the difference between RIGHT AND WRONG. It takes courage and hell a lot of it to stand by what you think is RIGHT. Surprisingly, your RIGHT only you can understand and believe in. Others, I mean people involved cant really understand your RIGHT because as per them you are WRONG. Ofcourse, how can they be WRONG in thinking you are WRONG. They obviously know they are RIGHT and you are WRONG. But that’s not the point. The point is how can RIGHT be so painful. I mean it is supposed to be the RIGHT thing to do and you would want to jump up and down and tell the whole world how you managed to take the RIGHT decisions and stick by it. It is a great ego booster for crying out loud! But forget jumping you don’t even feel like walking! I mean usually life changing decisions are taken which affects your near and dear ones. And the RIGHT hurts them. OKAY one disclaimer before I move further ahead – These are things in my head and has nothing to do with anyone dead or alive. This is how I feel and this is my random conversation with my mind. So mind you, if you cant relate or understand just stop reading from here!

So anyways, the point is the RIGHT hurts everyone involved and then I ask myself “is it worth the pain it is causing?” I mean I can just let things be as the way they are and we all will be fine one day. Why should I take a stand? Let me just sit and give my bump a little rest. But again that is what we believe and not sure of. So I think that okay, by taking the RIGHT decision I can hope for the right results. Ahha!!! There I go. Here I am thinking of the results and all but forget about the preparation and the examination. Itna asaan nahi hai ji. I fickle from RIGHT TO WRONG TO RIGHT TO THE WRONG AGAIN. I repeat the pros and the cons in my mind and it is actually like a courtroom drama. Where I like Govinda of some saddu movie is playing both parties lawyers, the victim, the audience who then appreciates my incredible statements and observations as my own lawyer, the reporters and ofcourse THE JUDGE who gives the final verdict. Ofcourse that is the most crucial role because the whole set up and costumes and dialogs are created for me to arrive at a decision and to stick by it! Decision taking is huh, a very easy task. Koi bhi mai ka laal kar sakta hai. What is difficult is to stand by it! And the opposition i.e. the WRONG has already ghussofied me with attractive comforts of changing my decisions to WRONG. And mind you, if I resist this temptation, ahha great going and proud of myself stays only for few seconds because now lies many many more of such temptations. And then I ask my self why-the-hell-am-i-doing-this-at-the-first-place?

Is it because I want to take my ego at a different level? That hey here I am being so strong and macho about this!!! Or because one day I want to tell people the RIGHTFULNESS of my decisions and how tough was i!!! Or am I writing a great story of my life and then it would turn into a film and hey I will win an award someday… and the best actress/director/screenplay/lyrics/music/choreography goes to miss RIGHT who has stuck by RIGHT through THICK and THIN… if this comes true then it will be ME giving an award to myself! Huh…

But the point is I don’t know why I am doing this. But these conversations have taken majority of time with my random conversations with myself these days… 

Can i WRITE?

Can I write?

Time and again I doubt myself. Every task that I m given or I take up, I doubt myself first. I don't know if it is good or bad coz in the end it comes out well. But the first bubble that bursts is “Can I?”

This is the only thing I haven't tried like forever

Can I write?

I don't know what it takes for someone to write. where does the thought come from. what is it that people intend to say. and most importantly the reason to WRITE. I mean it’s all in head right? then why do we need to write unless of course you are writing a poem or a song or a novel or a film script or research paper for crying out loud. Any damn thing to show ur intelligence/smartness/knowledge/efficiency or just to bring ur writing in the limelight. hey no offence to anyone who writes any of the above. just coz I fail to appreciate does not mean it’s not worth it. (just not according to me :P). I read few blogs here and there and I keep wondering why is it written at the first place? half of the blogs do have a reason, like dedicating it to a daughter/mother/dog/cat and what not.. but half are random. RANDOM. ahha! I hear that a lot these days. mainly coz of my actions and the way I intrude a conversation or the way I change my plans vagera vagera.

my point is have you ever wondered how human mind functions. it is full of thoughts. you can never know from where it starts.

I have had friends asking me to their amusement “yaar yeh kaha se aaya? hum kya baat kar rahe hai and how can u possibly come up with this?”

 I just smile and say “I don't really know”

How can I know??? I mean c'mon do u really think I would still be ur friend if I was listening to all that you have to say? u talk I listen, u talk more I listen less and if you still keep talking I start dreaming or talking to myself (which is pleasurable enough). and it’s not very difficult I guess. I have been doing this since ages. since 1st standard I guess. I tried so hard to understand each and everything that our teacher was trying to tell but of course I couldn’t. (I know, even you couldn’t). I knew that I would just read it up later and would not only pass but also get good marks. then why bother. my concentration never lasted for more than 20 mins to be lying, 15 mins may be (who knows - never paid attention to that also) and then I was in my mungeri world. a world full of happiness where I would talk to myself. would talk the way I want others to talk to me and would be so happy. would tell me things that would want to hear. once I even scolded myself for talking too much in class. ;)

 I guess by 4th standard I had mastered that art. my friends would complain - “ketlo boring class hato yaar”

and I would say “C’mon it wasn’t that bad.”

 Little that they knew I just came back from the Disney Land. And they found me cheerful. ALWAYS. I have autograph books filled with comments like - Never change, you are the best, you bring smile on my face every time I see you, from where do get this “cheerfulness”, and jazz. I know most of us have the same compliment all over but in my head I m the sole owner of these complements. And I never understood the reason behind my “cheerfulness”.

I was born and brought up in a joint family surrounded by kids/adults acting like kids and grandparents. I was always surrounded by friends in school. so there was no loneliness or a room (brain did occupy very ill but it was full of thoughts) in my mind to start talking to myself. I can’t even remember when did it start. but yeah from as far as I remember I always had me as my best friend. I would forget sorrows immediately coz there would be someone telling me things that I dint get to hear and made me sad of things which made me sad. it struck me one more time yesterday that no one can cheer the cheerful me more than me myself. and...

neways my point being that if all the thoughts that we ever had are well sorted in our mind. what is the need to write? is it only to express the state of mind or to show off or to be in the crowd?

well my attempt over here is something different. my attempt is to take up the challenge of writing. I have faffed all though my life -  in school, college and masters to get good marks and now few presentations here and there. but writing beyond that has never occurred to me. so here  I m challenging myself to do something that I have never done in past.

(even while doing this I m talking to my self - good challenge dude! u all rock ;) - plz don’t mind my recently returned Bangalore lingo)

but hey I need some kind of theme to start off with. well let me take a risk (which I have been taking a lot these days and write about the conversations I have with myself. of course it will be filtered for my own/boyfriend/parents/friends/cousins benefit., but things that are really random and have got nothing to do with anything will be mentioned. don’t be surprised friends I am famous for my randomness these days...

so come join me and let’s have a  - randomconversationswithmeyselfblogspot.com (or whatever I can get). lemme register a name first.